The Ghost of Sobriety
by CAPTAIN MURASA
Summary: CAPTAIN MURASA and Suika go drinking together. Nue decides to have some fun.
1. Chapter 1

_Okay... she's not looking.._ Suika thought. She looked at Reimu, whose back was turned, and picked up all of the dirt that littered the Hakurei Shrine using her manipulation of density, and tossed it out the window. This was what Suika would do when she was told to sweep, but she had to make sure Reimu wasn't looking.

_Awwwwright._ Suika grinned, and pretended to sweep the now spotless floor when Reimu looked back at Suika a few moments later.

"Next, I want you to check the donation box, prepare the feast, go down and fetch Marisa so she can get those trees not on fire, and then come back to see what else you can do." Reimu told Suika.

Suika frowned. "But that's so much! And the donation box is ALWAYS empty!"

Reimu glared back at Suika. "Just do it."

Suika sighed. "I'll go to Marisa's," she said, defeated. She again, waited for Reimu to look away for a split second, and then Suika darted out of the shrine, and headed in the opposite direction of Marisa's house, to Kourindou – Rinnosuke's shop.

The bell hanging from the door signalled Suika's entrance, and Rinnosuke turned to greet his customer. "Greetings, Suika! How is your day going?"

"I need alcohol." Suika slammed her fists on the table. 

Rinnosuke was taken aback. "Don't you have a gourd of sa... Actually, I think I might have what you're looking for!" He turned around and shuffled underneath his desk for a moment, stopped, then went back to Suika.

"Now, Kourin!" Suika demanded.

"Actually, Suika," Rinnosuke bit his lip. "I can't sell you any booze."

Suika's eye twitched.

"The whole... Reimu thing.. and the... she said... I can't serve you alcohol."

Suika's fists clenched and she began to tremble in fury, staring right at Rinnosuke.

"Um.. can I interest you in one of these televi-"

"**Great Oni **˪**Missing Purple Power**˥!"

Suika then grew to a massive size and her head crashed through the ceiling.

Rinnosuke panicked and ran from the shop.

CAPTAIN MURASA was going for a walk and saw the owner of Kourindou running away from his shop looking terrified. Wondering what would make him flee like that, she headed over to the shop. Once she arrived at the shop, CAPTAIN MURASA saw a gigantic oni looking quite pissed off and breaking the building into little pieces.

"Excuse me, but why are you smashing up Kourindou?" asked CAPTAIN MURASA

"HE WOULDN'T SELL ME ANY ALCOHOL BECAUSE REIMU'S A BITCH!"

"What? He wouldn't sell you alcohol? That's ridiculous! What does the shrine maiden have to do with that though?"

Suika's spell card ended and she shrank back down to her normal size

"Apparently Reimu came here and told him not to sell me any alcohol. I got pissed off about it and smashed up the shop. Though I probably broke all the bottles by doing that..."

"You aren't worried about what Reimu will do when she finds out you smashed up Kourindou?"

"Nah. She'll just yell at me a bit and then I'll just go drink a bunch and forget about it"

"I suppose that works. How about we get a head start on the forgetting about it part"

The two of them walked off to CAPTAIN MURASA'S ship happily chatting away about very important things.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

"...and that's how Reimu's cat died!" Suika said, finishing her story.

CAPTAIN MURASA laughed. "But wait, what about the monkey?" 

"I don't know! It's still in there somewhere!"

The two laughed until they got to the Palanquin.

"So," Suika said, "where do you keep the stuff?"

"Come in, I'll show you. We have quite the selection!" CAPTAIN MURASA said, smiling.

Inside the nice boat, it was like how a temple should look... er, on the inside, anyways. Temples typically aren't boats. Anyways, inside, down a hall and to the left, up a flight of stairs, down another flight of stairs, then across the sideways stairs, was a locked door.

"Behind here," CAPTAIN MURASA said, "is the vault for all of the alcohol you could drink. Now then, this is something not to be taken lightly at all. They say, that even one flask of many brews in here is enough to get someone completely..."

CAPTAIN MURASA realized she was talking to nothing, as Suika literally charged through the door and did what she did best.

"...Dude, I have the key right here..."

"**I LOVE EVERYTHING!**" Suika cried as she opened a box of wine and rolled around with the bottles.

CAPTAIN MURASA picked up Suika by her collar. "Come on, now! We can't stay here all day. Byakuren... wouldn't really like if we got smashed inside the temple. Hell, she's probably already ticked at me for the door." She dropped the oni.

Suika looked left, and then looked right, and then started madly trying to pack all the alcohol she could carry in her arms. Even when she couldn't carry any more, she tried to pack on more, and when it all came crashing down, she collapsed and sobbed. "Why can't I hold all these boxes?"

CAPTAIN MURASA sighed. "Look, just start opening them all one by one." She pulled out her ladle. "It's bottomless, so we can put it all in here!"

Suika glared at CAPTAIN MURASA. "That sounds ridiculous..." Suika folded her arms. "Yeah, okay!"

"Here, I'll show you" CAPTAIN MURASA said as she proceeded to open a bottle and pour it into the ladle. Much to Suika's surprise, the ladle didn't over fill and the bottle was soon empty.

"Woah! That's so cool!" Suika exclaimed. She then started pouring alcohol into the ladle as quickly as she could. Once they felt they had put at satisfactory amount into the ladle, they left the temple completely unaware that they were being watched.

Nue had been pretty bored that day, and when she saw CAPTAIN MURASA walk into the temple with that drunken oni, she thought that this would be a good opportunity to have some fun. It was pretty obvious that CAPTAIN MURASA and the oni were going to go drinking together even before the door to the alcohol storage got broken down and, since people don't think as rationally when they're drunk, Nue figured she could get some pretty easy scares in. Before she could do that, however, she had to think of something that would be able to scare them.

"Hmm... That oni is pretty strong and I haven't ever seen her openly afraid of anything. But there has to be something that'll get to her" Nue said to herself. "Let's see... she's constantly drunk, maybe she's afraid to sober up? She'd face a pretty brutal hangover if she did." Nue thought about this for a moment then decided that she could most likely find a way to frighten the oni with the idea of becoming sober.

"Now, what would Murasa be afraid of...?" This one had Nue puzzled for quite a while. CAPTAIN MURASA had already experienced death, so it didn't seem like most things would be able to get to her at first glance. Nue, however, had invested a lot of time into scaring people and after some time managed to think of something that might be able to frighten CAPTAIN MURASA.

"I'll bet she would be terrified of something that would make her re experience her death."


	3. Chapter 3

"Where are we gonna go to drink?" Suika asked "I don't really wanna be anywhere that I might run into Reimu. She's probably pissed off at me for leaving before I got anything done."

"Hmm... well if you're worried about Reimu finding you, we could go to the bamboo forest. I heard people get lost in there all the time, so she probably wouldn't want to search in there."

"Awesome! Let's go!" Suika yelled as she grabbed CAPTAIN MURASA and ran in the direction of the bamboo forest of the lost.

After a bit of wandering around, Suika and CAPTIAN MURASA found a small clearing that they decided would be a good place to drink. It was surrounded by bamboo, so nobody could even seen them if someone went to go and look for them.

"So... what should we drink first?" Suika exclaimed excitedly.

CAPTAIN MURASA grabbed her ladle. "Bottoms up! Who knows?"

Suika grabbed the ladle out of CAPTAIN MURASA's hands. She rose the ladle to her lips and started drinking. She didn't care what it was (despite nobody knowing in the first place), but to her, the combination of at least a hundred different kinds of alcohol was good enough for her!

CAPTAIN MURASA just stared at Suika. She figured she could have been an alcoholic, but not one this... potent. After a good minute of straight chugging whatever was mixed, Suika finally handed the ladle over to CAPTAIN MURASA... and then collapsed in a giggling fit.

"Impressive. But do you think you can stand up to my drinking?" CAPTAIN MURASA taunted. She rose the ladle to her lips, and started drinking the combination of drinks so horrifying the author can't even describe.

Of course, no being can out-drink an oni, so CAPTAIN MURASA lost the drinking contest. But they were now sufficiently very hammered, giggling constantly and rolling around on the bamboo forest ground.

Nue, watching on them from afar, decided now would be a good time as ever to begin.

"Hey there, girls! How's it going?" Nue flew down through the thicket of the bamboo and greeted the two drunks.

"**I LIKE TURTLES!**" Suika screamed and began laughing at her own joke.

"NUE~ Ohmygosh I love you!" CAPTAIN MURASA shouted.

Nue grinned. If only she had a camera (whatever that is). "I don't think here is such a good idea to be drinking, though."

"Huh? Why not?" Suika asked. "It's been pretty great so far."

"You two are pretty lucky then! I've been hearing for a while about a troublesome ghost that's been hanging around here." Nue answered.

"Pshhhh, a ghost is nothing to worry about! I technically am one!" CAPTAIN MURASA said with a laugh.

"Oh? But this ghost likes to mess with people who have been drinking. She wanders around looking the drunkest person she can find. When she finds somebody, she can make them completely sober in an instant."

"Wh- What...?" Suika had a look of absolute terror on her face. "Completely sober? Like, not even a little tipsy?"

"Not the slightest bit drunk at all." Nue said.

"So, this ghost gives us a nasty hangover for a bit! We've got tons of alcohol and if we find ourselves sober, we just drink our way out of the forest." CAPTAIN MURASA responded. She obviously wasn't worried in the slightest.

"Yeah, but this ghost also seems to have some strange issues with other ghosts she meets. It seems that she likes to make any other ghost she meets re experience the pain of death."

"That... That's ridiculous!" CAPTAIN MURASA said even though she was starting to look a bit frightened.

"To me, it sounds about as ridiculous as a bottomless ladle." Nue said with a smirk. "Anyways, I have to be on my way now. I'll talk to you girls later if you're not too hung over." and with that Nue flew off seemingly leaving the two intoxicated girls on their own.

"You... you don't think we'll run into that ghost do you?" Suika asked after a few minuites of silence.

"Nah, Nue likes scaring people. There's a good chance she just made some shit up." CAPTAIN MURASA said. But it was obvious that she was still uneasy about it.

"R- Right... Let's just keep drinking then. Forget about that whole thing!" Suika then picked up the bottomless ladle and started drinking again.

MEANWHILE ELSEWHERE IN THE BAMBOO FOREST

Nue had just finished telling Tewi and a few of the other rabbits of the two girls drinking in the forest and the story she had told them.

"...And that's where you come in" Nue said.


	4. Chapter 4

After Nue left, Suika and CAPTIAN MURASA decided that the best way to forget about the story Nue had just told them would be to play a drinking game. Unfortunately they ended up having some difficulty deciding what game to play.

"What about One Big Chicken?" Suika suggested.

"No way, dude. I hate tongue twisters when I'm sober! We could play the Ally McBeal drinking game." CAPTAIN MURASA responded.

"Who the hell is Ally McBeal?"

"I have NO idea"

"Well... we could play King's Cup!" Suika said in an excited tone

"That's perfect! Oh.. we don't have any cards. And our drinks are already a huge mesh of other drinks that I do not dare to describe."

It was at that moment that Tewi entered the clearing that they were drinking in.

"Oh, hey there girls! Having fun?" Tewi asked cheerfully.

CAPTAIN MURASA looked at Suika dumbfounded. "Who the fuck is this?"

"This is Tewi Inaba. She's a rabbit." Suika pointed at Tewi's bunny ears. They waggled.

Tewi glared at them for a moment, then looked at their ladle of many alcohols. "I couldn't help but overhear the fact that you two were having problems figuring out something to play. If I suggest something, can I play with you?"

CAPTAIN MURASA stifled a laugh. "You? Drink? You'd get smashed after one drop of... well, anything, really!"

"Is that a challenge? Murasa Minamitsu?"

CAPTAIN MURASA jumped up. "You seem to know SO MUCH ABOUT ME! Like my name! And... and... Alright, what're we playing?"

Suika grabbed the bottomless ladle and her gourd. "Here!" She gave them to Tewi.

Tewi took them, and pulled out some cups and coasters from a bush that she was very fortunate to find in this Bamboo Forest of the Lost, that isn't supposed to have any landmarks at all.

"Alright, so we're going to play The Tower. I'm just going to evenly distribute the alcohol from this ladle..." Tewi took the ladle, and it just so happened only vodka poured into one of the cups. That was lucky. She went to another cup, and beer flowed from the ladle into another cup. How fortunate. Rum went into another cup, then white wine, and finally margarita that they didn't even know was there.

Tewi then went to work placing the beer at the bottom, with a coaster over top of it, and on top of that the wine, then vodka, margarita, and rum at the top.

Tewi always has dice on her. She didn't have to find those. Though if she wanted to, she probably could, probably in a cave system directly below them, with the entrance coincidentally about thirty seconds to the west.

"Alright," Tewi looked the two over, "let's play."

"Wait a second," Suika said. "We don't even know how to play."

"Oh, Suika, you're so worrisome!" CAPTAIN MURASA grabbed the die from Tewi's hand. "Everyone knows that in a game with dice, you roll it and shout 'YAHTZEEEEEE!'" With that, CAPTAIN MURASA rolled the die. It rolled a 4. "YEAH! SEVEN! I WIN!"

Tewi facepalmed. "No. Stop that. Right now." Tewi grabbed the die. "That was an eight. Not a seven." Tewi rolled the die so the 6 side pointed to them. "When you roll a six, you have to drink whatever's on top. Unless there's a coaster. Then you just remove the coaster. But you have to wait until the other person is done their drink before you roll. That's common courtesy."

Suika was about to talk, but Tewi continued. "Until you get down to the last drink, the beer. You have to drink that as fast as you can, because if you don't drink it before someone else quickly rolls a six, you have to pay for the entire tower!"

CAPTAIN MURASA looked scared. She forgot that, sometimes, things cost money. And Byakuren would probably want money for this. "I'd better not lose then!"

Tewi grinned. "That's right."

Suika looked befuddled. "This is all too confusing for me. Toasters? Courtesy? When do I get to drink all the things?"

"Let's just start. I'll explain along the way." Tewi handed the completely un-rigged, totally legit and not manipulated die to Suika. "Go ahead and start."


	5. Chapter 5

Suika, wanting the first drink, quickly grabbed the die and rolled it hoping to get a 6 right away. However, she only managed to roll a 3.

"Awe man!" Suika whined "I reeealy wanted the first drink..."

"Oh, quit complaining. It's dice roll and you were unlucky" Tewi said. Next was CAPTAIN MURASA's turn.

"come oooonnnn six!" CAPTAIN MURASA said to the die as she rolled it. This time it did land on a six. "FUCK YEAH, SEAKING!" she yelled and promptly chugged the first drink.

The game went on for quite some time. They were about half way through the pyramid when Suika started to get angry. She hadn't landed a single six and was having to use her gourd just to keep herself as drunk as everybody else.

"GODAMMIT!" Suika yelled. "WHY CAN'T I ROLL ANY SIXES!"

"jeeze, ya don haf ta be so angreh" CAMTAIN MURASA slurred. "yer jus unlakeh righ nao"

Suika refused to listen to CAPTAIN MURASA and was only getting herself more angry.

"NO WAY! Tewi is rigging the game! I know it! That bitch can manipulate luck! I know this because I stalked everybody in gensokyo once!" Suika stumbled over to Tewi and lifted her by the collar of her dress.

"You stop cheating RIGHT NOW!"

"Hey! Let me go!" Tewi yelled.

"Only if you promise to stop cheating"

Just then a deer just so happened to run right into Suika. This surprised her enough to loosen her grip on Tewi enough for Tewi to get away.

"That's it! You two are the most irritating drunks I've ever seen!" Tewi yelled at them. "I'm going to make sure that you have the worst luck OF ALL TIME tonight!" and then she ran off into the forest and was quickly out of eyesight.

Once Tewi was far enough away that neither of them could hear her, and once it was obvious that neither were following her, she met up with Nue.

"Alright, the atmosphere is right for them to get freaked out. They should be completely convinced that they're going to have bad luck tonight... Well, they will. But it won't be me causing it this time"

"Excellent" Nue said. "Now we'll leave them for a little bit and then send some rabbits their way to tell them that the Ghost of Sobriety is nearby"


End file.
